; Tin Can Canoe: Swearintologists and Bloodlines...

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Swearintologists and Bloodlines...


WARNING: EXTREME WORDINESS
I embellish. I'm long winded.
Take a potty break before reading this blog entry.
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Swearintology - I just completely made that up today. I like it. Yes, I like it very much and just might of pulled a muscle while trying to pat myself on the back. What does it mean? It's a philosophy, a way of life... actually, it's a lot like a weed. It can take hold of any conversation, doesn't require much attention to thrive and will usually out perform the beautifully articulated words around it.

Here's a fact you might not know. Cursing is in your blood you know. The Cursing Genome (CG). I think either you have it or you don't. It's pretty simple and not at all complicated. It's kind of like your heritage ese. If you've got the CG it surges through your bloodstream for eternity... it's there the day you're shot into this world and it's there the day you hang up your spurs. I know it's baaad... Swearing is bad... it's politically incorrect... it's very, very naughty... unless you're doing it in a court of law... which I think is where I'd be arrested for what some might call Profanity.

I can't help myself... it's sorta like watching too much Murder, She Wrote... OR drinking so much Diet Coke you end up with gut rot (with all the moaning and everything)... OR buying one of those Enormous "I want to gain 10 pounds this weekend" tubs of pre-made (couldn't be. in any way. good for you) cookie dough. All of them are, any way you slice it, Bad.

Whatever, says I.

So while most Moms are struggling with the laundry and the dishes... I'm struggling with potty mouth language, that quite frankly would make a sailor blush. I don't do it (much) out in public... but if I'm at home or chatting with a favorite friend - the things that fly out of my mouth could straighten your hair and curl your toes. I like colorful language. I like to express myself. Honestly, for me it's so much a part of who I am it's like breathing - something I'm only vaguely aware of. It's always done in fun and is never, ever mean spirited. I've been told on more than one occasion... "but you look so sweet and shy". Never judge a book by its cover. On that same note, you'll be a much happier person if you don't bother judging anyone at all.

Swearintology is fun, an art and much like poetry - requires a bit of skill. I hurl obscenities like circus performers hurl Ginsu knives, like college girls hurl at frat parties - effortlessly. There's only one teensy weensy snag. My son is Two. He's not really talking yet, but he's getting there. And with each day he gets a little closer I try to get a little closer to reeling it in. I don't want to be the Mom who gets the phone call... "Yes, Mrs. Nastypants. We have young Master Acid Tongue in the office (Again) for calling little Johnny Annoying a "Fart Licking Bastard" (Again)." Trust me I'm on it... but I've been a Swearintologist since age 4, so there's a bit of history there (my mother is shuddering - both then & now).
Some days are more of a challenge than others... take this morning - Puhlease! All three dogs got into something nasty in the yard... picture projectile vomiting, oozing diarrhea or worse - frothing and foaming at the mouth. Gross, just doesn't do this scene quite enough justice and a little (or was it a lot?) of profanity was in order. As in Mutha!... well, you get the idea.

I live on the edge... all be it, the edge of reason and I like to swear. I'm learning to pipe down and suppress it by at least a notch, or two. It's a bit like trying to control the Tourette's... but one thing I won't be doing is being bloody annoying and implementing lameass expletives like - frickin' or fudge. Those folks need a spanking... and not the "you've been naughty" kind you do in private either.

**Note: Thanks to Carolyn over at laughing alone in the dark for her wonderful verbose storytelling emblem... it's just too funny!**

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

Holy crap this was effin' funny. Oh wait... do I deserve a slap for saying effin'?

I love to swear. It's so effective and extremely useful. Swearing cuts through all the b.s. and other such nonsense. Oooops. There I go again. I said b.s.

Here's the problem - I love to swear like a trucker, but I don't much want my three-year-old to follow suit so I've had to tone it down. Sucks, doesn't it? Worse yet, I find myself holding back on swearing in my blog posts too. I have a few readers who I'm pretty sure would be incredibly offended if I dropped an f-bomb here and there. And so, I don't do it. But you've inspired me, so perhaps I'll have to let loose with a swearing free-for-all post soon.

And by the way... you're welcome to the VSC logo, but this post was not nearly verbose enough. Right now consider yourself an honorary member. You'll have to write a post at least twice as long and ten times more narcissistic to become a full-fledged member. Click on my the Verbose Storyteller’s Club label on my sidebar to read a few of my verbose posts and you’ll see what I mean.

Hell. I think this comment was even longer than your post. Now that’s verbose!

andie said...

OMG... i'm laughing so hard i think i might have lost some bladder control...